Self Confidence

Self confidence is something I find interesting.

Mine often depends on context...  I am confident in my intelligence, my ability to do my job, my physical strength.

Confidence in the way I look is generally low.

This weekend it got a surprise boost.

I was walking from the station to my car Friday night and a teenage boy (maybe 15/16) called out to me as he walked past...  and it was a compliment!  His words were 'You're beautiful'.

First I wondered what he said and I misheard...  then I wondered if maybe that is what he had said.

I mentioned it to my husband when I got home.  He looked me up and down and said something along the lines of 'long blonde hair, knee high boots, great legs...  yeah teenage boys like that'.  I should mention that my husband often compliments me...  but it seemed to sink in more coming from a stranger with no vested interest.

I realised that to a stranger walking past those things might be what they notice first.  Good legs, long blonde hair blowing in the breeze.  

Unlike when I look in the mirror and notice stomach, arms, chins.... usually before anything else.  I check that my clothes are 'flattering' and hide my faults while enhancing my assets.  But I don't see an attractive package.  I see a set of parts.  Some bad, some better.

I am going to try and see in the mirror what a teenage stranger saw on Friday - an attractive 44 year old woman.

Wish me luck!

The tale of my right hip....

So this story starts with my left knee...

Way back in January 1994, my lack of coordination led me to a cross country skiing 'accident' where I 'hurt' my knee.  No scans were done, no tests really.  I used crutches for a week or so, limped very obviously for a few months, had no more pain and so moved on.

During the next 9 years I allegedly had a mild limp, but was unaware of it and was totally pain free. I did a 3 month hiking/camping trip around Canada and the USA.  I walked all over London for 3 years while I was car-less.  Never gave my knee a thought.

In about 2003 I was at a pub.  And yes I had been drinking (from memory that pub made me a special "Fiona" cocktail...  something purple and fruity...).  Anyway, I turned sharply and apparently finished the ACL tear I had started all those years before.  This involved landing flat on my face.  In the pub.  Twice.

Later that year I had a knee reconstruction.  This was followed by lots of rehab and the first regular exercise I had done in years.  After a while I started getting soreness in that knee.  So I stopped running.

In January 2008 I was back in the UK, engaged to my English man, and planning to return home to Australia in March.  In time for the 15km 'run4thekids' walk that I loved.  So I started training.  Without even considering my shoes.

That is when my hip started hurting.  A lot.

So what I imagine had happened was my right side started compensating for my left knee weakness way back in 1994.  I imagine it got really good at it over the years!  Then I put my body through one thing too many (long walks in shoes not designed for walking) and my hip had had enough.

Being me, and obese (so some pain is expected), and me...  I did the 15km walk anyway.  In a lot of pain.

Then I finally sought treatment.  I saw the physio who had helped after my knee reconstruction.  No help.  I saw two more physios.  I saw an osteopath.  I had cortisone injections.  I tried 3 more physios.

3 years on and I was catching a tram the 500 metres from the station to work as my hip was constantly sore.  I was wearing flat shoes as heels made it worse.  I wasn't exercising at all.

My Dr and I had run out of ideas, and she was going to send me to a surgeon to get an MRI (cheaper MRI that way).  A lady at work suggested I try her myotherapist as the clinic he worked at specialised in 'hard to fix' pain.  I was willing to try anything, so I went and saw Matt.

And guess what?  After several months of weekly then fortnightly treatments, and lots of heavy weighted squats and deadlifts, I was pain free (most of the time).

3 years on, and I still see Matt, especially if I am planning to do something like my 60km walk.

The past month or so I have become really aware of the pain in my hip for several days after wearing heels.  I could just avoid heels....  but instead Matt and I have started 'operation high heels'.  

We are going to finally and completely fix the inbalance caused by so many years of knee issues!

13 things to do by 40 update

Ok, So I am now 41...  but I have crossed a few more things off the list!

1.            Go through everything I own and purge myself of the things I either don't need or want anymore. Donate what is in good shape and could be useful to someone else – COMPLETE

2.            Run a 5k fun run event

3.            Hire a convertible for a summer weekend road trip

4.            Go to the opera - COMPLETE

5.            Pay off my personal loan

6.            Read 10 more books from the BBC’s top 100 – in progress

                                       i.    Great Expectations - Charles Dickens

                                      ii.    The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins

                                     iii.    Dune - Frank Herbert

                                     iv.    Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov

                                       v.    Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray

                                     vi.    The Color Purple - Alice Walker

                                    vii.    Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert

                                   viii.    Catch 22 - Joseph Heller

                                     ix.    Middlemarch - George Eliot

                                      x.    Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk

7.            Have a ‘boudoir’ photo shoot

8.            Swim with dolphins – COMPLETE

9.            Grow my own herbs – COMPLETE

10.          Do a cooking class – COMPLETE

11.          Graciously accept compliments – COMPLETE

12.          Have golf lessons – COMPLETE

13.          Have a makeup lesson – COMPLETE

14.          Have a wardrobe assessment and shopping trip with a stylist* – COMPLETE

15.          Take art class** – COMPLETE

*Replacement for #5. Purchasing new home rules out completing #5 in the timeline.

** Just in case my hip stops me running the fun run (though I would like to still walk it at least!) I have a back up activity

COMPLETE

IN PROGRESS

TO START

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Chinese

I am not very musical.  I have no tone or rhythm.  And I often sit at home in silence rather than play music.

But some songs are just beautiful.

This is one of my favourites.

I hope you enjoy it.

For Mum

Some of my favourite Mum memories (though I don't know if she even reads this blog!)


Laughing so much together when we went to Disneyland with Gael and Beth.


When you told me about a guy chatting you up in a bar and you not knowing what to do.


Having your 'family' 60th at the zoo.


Going shopping with you.


How stylish you always look.


How people gravitate towards you at a party.


Your hugs.


xx

For Dad

I think you (and maybe Kathy) are the only ones who check this blog.  Possibly because I write in it so regularly??


Since this blog tends to be looking at the past...  perhaps some favourite 'Dad' memories?

Going to the footy and you giving me $2 for a pastie for me and a pie and pastie for you.  And you trying to teach me that if I saved the change I could buy something really good instead of spending it on lollies that were gone in minutes.

Sitting on the front of the boat with you singing 'I am sailing' at the top of your voice.

You singing 

"day-ay-ay-o"

Do you know I never remember you singing any other lines!

Going floundering in the middle of the night with you, Moo and Bill.

Having to go to the loo and get food in the time it took you to fill the car with petrol and pay for it - cos you hated stopping.  I get that from you!

You singing to Milo.  Milo the wonderdog.

Watching you with your grandkids.  Stopping them crying as if by magic.


The way you make everyone feel loved and important.

Notice how many of these involve you singing.  Your singing always makes me smile.  I got my singing ability from you too.

Writing this made me smile.  Maybe I should write a 'favourite Mum memories' blog too.

:)

Life is good.  I have so much to be grateful for!

I did a mental 'wheel of life' activity last night and I have to say that there are very few areas of my life i am not really happy with - and those few remaining areas I am happy that I have plans to brin the into line too.

That is the first time ever I have had such great 'scores' on so many areas of my life.

Oh and I tried not to let the fact that I was sitting on the beach looking over the bay on a balmy Autumn evening influence my assesment!